wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
