yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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