I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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