I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
