this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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