Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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