I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The adults are the big ones right?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
