In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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