One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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