i barfeds in our rink
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
