I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
