I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
