The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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