tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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