we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize