It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
