my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize