I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
