We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
