Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
