i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
