If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
