life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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