sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
