I wish I could teleport
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
