Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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