Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
