Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
