Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
