I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
