I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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