I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
