I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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