she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
