Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
