I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
