I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
