do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
