Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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