I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
