i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize