apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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