so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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