i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
