I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
