Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
