Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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