I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
