Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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