The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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