I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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