Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize