You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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