nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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