You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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