i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
