Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
