never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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