Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
