I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
