the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
