i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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